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Remember a few weeks ago when it seemed like ‘American Idol’’s female problem had been solved? Remember? It was when the show’s top eight contestants consisted of SIX women and only two men. With stars in our eyes taking the form of Skyler Laine and Elise Testone, we started to ponder a world in which a white guy with a guitar (which are apparently the only three characteristics needed to be considered an “artist” on this show. White. Male. Guitar.) wouldn’t win — as they have in the past FOUR seasons. Cut to several weeks down the line and those six women have been systematically decimated. Only two stand, and that will likely turn to one after tonight, leaving us with a probable final of two men, once again. Ugh. This show.

Is there anyone in the world who doesn’t expect Phil to win this thing going away? Has Jennifer ever uttered a claim as hollow as to suggest she “[has] no idea whose going to win this?” Is there even a reason to keep watching? I mean, keep watching. We’re almost there, but there’s no suspense. For the fifth year in a row, a white guy with a guitar will win. (Hopefully) the judges panel will be fired as a whole (not happening), and (maybe) Nigel and Co. will go back to the drawing board and figure out a way to regulate the voting. For example, if you are white female under the age of 16 and you’re voting for the cute boy, your vote can only count for 1/4 of that cast by an adult voting for another adult.
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Last night’s Top Four performance was typically dull because the four performers are, let’s see, what’s the word I’m looking for…dull. I would rather be listening to DeAndre Brackensick than any of these four. Imagine a Top Four of Elise, Skyler, Colton and Erika. Now that’s a place I could see myself enjoying.
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There are four left, but the show still needs to be two hours, so there were a bunch of duets (sorry, y’all, I didn’t watch them) and two rounds. The first round was California songs and the criteria for picking a “California” song seemed to be any song that has ever been played in the state of California. The second round was “songs that inspire” which almost always means “songs that are boring” and tonight that was half true.
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Ole Phil kicked things off with Creedence Cleareater Revival’s “Have You Ever Seen the Rain,” and for the second week in a row, a too young contestant has completely misinterpreted the meaning of a CCR song. This was unbearable, as the arrangement was so cheesy — complete with center-stage-sax. It’s always something when ‘Idol’ cheeses up arguably the least cheesy band in American rock ‘n roll. The judges … loved it? It’s hard to tell. They never criticize Phil per se and if they do, it’s pretty indecipherable. For example, Steven said, “You’re living proof that the road to success is always under construction.” I think that’s criticism, but it’s so weird and vague that no one can tell. Randy’s “Yo” broach said it started rough, but ultimately was great. J. Lo was there.

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For his second song, Phil sang Damien Rice’s “Volcano” and the judges LOVED IT. To be fair, it was pretty good for Phil (who’s usually terrible), but it still was much ado about nothing. Phil could walk on stage with no accompaniment, lower the microphone to his butt and fart and the judges would praise it. He’s probably already cutting his record.
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Hollie had a tough night. She started off by singing Journey’s “Faithfully” a song she claimed to not really get which says more about her than anything else. Oh and by the way, did you know Randy Jackson was once in Journey? Of course you did because he NEEDS to remind everyone EVERY time someone sings a Journey song. Never before has a musician been so excited to be a session musician on a once popular band’s commercial nadir. But, that’s Randy Jackson. An idiot. The judges eased up on their favorite punching bag since Elise Testone, claiming she has grown in recent weeks and is peaking at the right time. Whatever. She’s gone tonight. Her second song was “I Can’t Make You Love Me” and the judges justifiably slammed the shaky performance. I will say, though, I think she’s going every week and something keeps her around. If she sticks around tonight I wouldn’t be shocked, but I also wouldn’t care because I sort of loathe all four of them.

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Oh, Joshua. My mother’s really into Joshua, which makes sense. He seems like a decent, albeit smug, person. He can sing, but he just bores me. Every Joshua performance is the same, good or bad. He either screams or he cries and if he’s really feeling it he does both. It’s hard to pull for someone who, seemingly, gets emotional after every single performance. When it’s announced he’s singing Josh Groban’s “You Raise Me Up” (this was his California song, mind you) I’m already dreading it. I hate Josh Groban, I hate “You Raise Me Up” and I know exactly what Joshua’s gonna do with it and he does exactly that. Randy suggests surprise that Joshua “took it to church,” and that makes sense because Randy is stupid. I imagine he’s surprised by a lot of things often. For example, his reflection, or when his telephone rings.

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For his second song, Joshua sang “This Is A Man’s, Man’s World.” It was good, but again, it was just a typical Joshua performance. Standing ovation, though because it wouldn’t be season 11 ‘American Idol’ if the judges weren’t standing for Joshua. If Joshua wins, he will be the worst selling ‘Idol’ since Taylor Hicks.
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Then we have Jessica, who if you put a gun to my head and made me chose someone to win this thing, I’d probably pick her, but she’s kind of irritating. For one thing, she just does impressions of other singers and the last thing I ever want to see is a 16 year old kid with absolutely no life experience sing a song like “And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going,” no matter how well she may sing it (And she sings it well. It was actually great. Best performance of the night) and no matter how much Julian Lennon likes it. Side note: Randy turning to a completely caught off guard Julian Lennon was the best part of the whole show. What’s worse is we see video of a seven year old Jessica singing the same song and sounding exactly the same. It’s creepy. That song is about trying to convince a man who has cheated on you multiple times not to leave you. It’s so sad and watching a seven year old sing it gives me the creeps. It’s more proof that the Sanchez’s have been training this girl like you do a race horse. I hate it. She sang Etta James first and it was fine.

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Throughout the evening, we were “treated” to watching the contestant’s journeys through ‘Idol’ and they were boring, but it reminded us of the time Steven told Jessica that “when God was handing out vocal chords, you were at the front of the line.” All this really suggests is that she was one of the first people to get vocal chords, not that hers were any better, unless of course they diminish in capacity as time goes by which would be very unfair.
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In short, this show was bad and boring, and who cares? Oh, and that “Ryan Seacrest fake proposes to his girlfriend” bit was the most uncomfortable thing I’ve seen on television since Phil Phillips performed “Time of the Season” last week.
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Hollie goes home.